Originally posted on 6-12-08.
What do all these people have in common? None of them are afraid to kill, gut, and skin a rabbit with their bare hands.
I have to laugh at all the direct referral hits I’ve already gotten to my previous very tongue in cheek post, end of the world, 2012, from not only from places like New Jersey and Connecticut, but countries like India and the United Arab Emirates. Some of you probably thought that was silly. I guarantee you, there are a LOT of people in this world who are counting down to December 21, 2012, especially when the solar storms start happening.
Some of you (and me) are mostly blowing it off, thinking it’ll just be another one of those creepy prophecy things that get a bunch of people jumpy, and therefore affect the rest of us in negative ways. But others of you are seriously hoping you’ll be raptured before chaos ensues, or thinking some crazy terrorists are going to take it all as a sign to act, or simply just scared out of your minds that whatever happens, the grocery stores and gas stations will run empty and the hospitals will be full and communications will be zapped out and people will panic and start shooting one another.
I mentioned that it’s important we all get chickens to survive this. An alert reader told me rabbits might be better. They are quieter and easier to hide from looters who would steal your food supply. I concur. Get rabbits, too. And while you’re at it, compost their droppings with trays of earthworms. You never know when you’ll need a worm.
My dad grew up in a unique and very short era of U.S. history, after land was pretty much settled, shortly after technology started sweeping the nation, but before we were truly united into a homogenous mindset via talk shows and x boxes. Dad graduated from the 8th grade with a high school diploma after a final exam that makes our college entrance exams look pretty wimpy, then moved on to become a real cowboy in Gunnison, Colorado. He once saw a man shoot a dog dead from a bucking horse with one shot. Why? Because the dog was irritating the horse. My dad and his brothers were called the Black Hat Boys, and they lived in a bunk house on the ranch and everything.
When my dad was a boy he had a pet coyote, and he shot a lot of rabbits. Rabbits were a real problem to crops back then, and could ruin a farmer nearly over night, so he has a LOT of experience with how rabbits live, hide, run, and get caught in little snares.
When I was in high school we lived on a fairly big acreage, and one day Dad caught a rabbit and showed me how to survive if I was ever caught away from home without a knife and was able to catch a rabbit. He said they are the hardest animals on the earth to kill off, but the easiest thing to kill once you’ve got one. And it really was easy, as long as you aren’t squeamish about it. So I’m going to share with you here how to kill a rabbit with your bare hands, in the event that you get caught away from home without a knife, and the world all around you is falling apart and forcing you to starve. It’s up to you to be watching those Survivorman shows and learn how to start a fire and catch the rabbit in the first place.
So if you don’t like details and icky stuff and feel terrible about eating Thumper, close your eyes *right now*.
If you are right handed, once you’ve pounced on your rabbit (watch out, they claw and bite like mad), grasp the back of the neck real good so you can get hold of both hind feet with your left hand, and stretch it out on its belly so it has to quit fighting. Hold it up, left hand high, and when it will dangle when you let go of the neck, make a real fast and hard karate chop at a 45 degree angle down on the skull just behind the head. That can actually pop it’s head right off if you are strong enough, but mostly it’s to break its neck and kill it. If you are squeamish and make a wimpy chop, you’ll feel awful that you just caused the rabbit a great deal of pain and drop it while it squeals in terrible anguish and alerts the whole world to your presence, so be tough and get that chop right the first time. It would suck if you were a wuss and starved to death.
Ok, the rabbit is dead, so the next thing is to get the skin off. Easy peasy. The skin will pop apart at the ankles on the hind legs, and you pull it inside out right off the rabbit over the head, if it’s still attached. At this point, you really need to snap that head off. If you want to keep the skin, toss it messy side up out of the way so it won’t get sticky and full of crap that’s tenaciously hard to get off later. If you want to know how to fix up a rabbit skin to wear for makeshift moccasins, in the event of the world coming to an end, again, it is your responsibility to be watching the proper tv shows *now*.
The skin is off, but you still need the guts out. While you are still holding it up by the hind legs, poke a hole in the uppermost part of the soft belly area and rip down, making an opening from the tail to the ribs. Then, if you are very good at stuff like this, you can swing that carcass down toward the ground and fling those guts right out. No kidding, I actually saw my dad do this. Didn’t have to get his hands messy at all.
Now you are ready to put your rabbit on a stick and toast him over a homemade fire.
My dad did every bit of that in less than 10 seconds flat. Snap, skin, guts. Good to go.
Remember, we are Homo Sapien Sapiens. We come from a long line of survivalists. Using our bare hands to make a rabbit sandwich actually comes very natural to us. If you want to use a stick or a rock, that’s fine, but if you happen to have a knife in your pocket, awesome. Might slow you down, though.
I don’t think it’s going to be that hard to survive the world ending in 2012, but just in case, you’ll at least know how to get a rabbit ready for a snack.
I appreciate that some of you might not find this kind of post entertaining, but let’s be honest. Whether the world ends in 2012 or not, this can’t last forever. This utopia of super highways and the nearly instant transport of goods and services by sheer comparison of, say, getting through the ice age, simply can’t last. Our earth is not made to stall into one temperature zone that perfectly fits our lifestyles, our sun can’t be tamed not to screw up our Tom-Toms, cell phones, and satellite reception in a couple of years, and we’ve all seen the endless flooding and earthquakes and stuff. Unless scientists and engineers and trillions upon trillions of dollars can mold this earth into a homo sapien dream world pretty quickly, it’s really not going to take a whole lot to mess it all up again, and it’s not going to be because you left your car running to keep it cool while you run into a convenience store for a soda pop.
Humans have spent tens of thousands of years scraping an existence out of the rocks. Yes, bunnies are cute. It’s wonderful that we are able to live in an age of mankind where we can even stick up for bunny rights and refuse to eat them. But deep down, where you came from was kill or be killed. Do or die.
Don’t laugh at the survivalists. When things start going wrong, they’ll be ready. In the meantime, enjoy your pizza and your World of Warcraft that other people made possible in your lives.
Here you go, how to catch a rabbit bare handed.